What a pill.....

Yes, me...and I'm working on it. Truly I am.

I don't think there are many people who would categorize me as rebellious, but I do have a bit of a stubborn streak. Like most character traits, there are positive and negative ways to channel every aspect of our personalities.
One "pro" is that if I want to do something for someone, I will move heaven and earth to make it happen for them. There are few things in this life that make me happier than serving someone, especially if I know it will make some type of difference in their life. One of my dreams is to be able to do something really fabulous for someone anonymously. I've had some really wonderful acts of service done in my behalf and for my family and I want with all my heart to really make a difference for someone. In the meantime, I try to do those things that fall within my current realm....little things mostly, and I'm the first to admit that sometimes little things mean just as much as big things because I am very often the recipient of meaningful small things. Acts of kindness are life's simple pleasures and I thrive off of it. To be perfectly honest, I know I don't do enough which is probably why I fall into this other pitfall.

Sometimes I'm like the "Little girl who had a little curl"....when I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad....well...let's just say, my stubborn side can be quite negative.
I don't know exactly why this happens. My latest theory is that I take things for some time the way they are-- you know, try to be patient and all that. And then, one day, out of the blue, something will happen that quite simply pushes me over the edge. It can be anything, really. A rude or inconsiderate comment, an expectation not being met, someone telling me that I should or shouldn't do something.....and "wham!"...suddenly I dig in my heels.

This past week, someone "strongly suggested" that I make a few changes.....wrong thing to say when I'm feeling the way I'm currently feeling. What's funny is that these are things I already felt I should do, but "someone" said this at the wrong time and suddenly...
"I don' wanna..." ....So, I haven't.... Even though I know I should, and even though I know it could help me get out of this funk I'm stuck in. I know, what a stinker!

The good news is that I'm trying. One of the many things I've been meaning to do is start a "gratitude journal", but for some strange reason I've been struggling with the whole idea. I don't understand why, but I just don't do it. Instead, I'm starting small by finding one thing I love every single day. It's going to be my daily mantra for the next little while.

I'm hoping that it makes a difference in my life and in my home atmosphere, because I realize that my children often take their cues from me. And because I'm discovering more and more that the "parent curse" is real. You know the one: "I hope you have a kid just. like. you."
Gonna do my best to help these little pills of mine channel the "stubborn gene" so generously passed to them by yours truly.

Phases

The Moon

There are many things to love about the moon. The moon is very comforting to me. I love the different phases of the moon. I love to watch it change. I love that when the cycle is complete, it's not visible and then...there's a fresh new start.

I know that a full moon sometimes has some negative things associated with it. I have a friend who used to be an ER nurse and she loved working the nights of the full moon, because the injuries were always a little bizarre and the evening was "exciting." Horror films almost always include a full moon, and I'm sure there are lots of other things of which I'm not even aware. But I LOVE a full moon....I love how the night is a little more illuminated which somehow makes me feel a little safer. I love being near an ocean during a full moon; I love how the ocean reacts. I know it sounds totally cheesy, but I love how when I look at a full moon, I think about how everyone I know, ANYWHERE, can see the same thing I'm seeing. I realize that isn't just the case with a full moon, but somehow a full moon is more of a reminder of that. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.

If I had my choice, I would take a long walk with someone I love EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of a full moon....I know, I'm hopeless...

We have a beautiful harvest moon right now...and it IS beautiful and to me it is calming and secure. The moon is a visual to me that everything we go through passes into another phase. It won't stay the same forever and that is a very comforting thought as I look up into the night sky and contemplate the many, many things that are on my mind.

"Wake me up when September ends..."

This month is flying by...it seems like it was just July and now we're halfway through September! Hard to believe how quickly time flies sometimes! So far this month I've had some family time with my parents and extended family, made my "famous" salsa, (well, famous with the kids and Brian and let's face it, if it wasn't for them, I would probably not spend the morning 'til night that it takes to get 20 quarts.) Cameron was ordained an Elder which means a few more months and he'll be working on mission papers, that time is flying by as well.
I've spent many hours working and figuring out how to balance being gone so much. This month also marks Brian's 50th birthday this weekend, which is so hard to believe that I truly can't! The best part is that this weekend will find us all together celebrating, which is my FAVORITE part of ANY celebration! All except for Brad-- the 18th also marks Brad's 10 month mark serving in Dallas, Texas. No Way!!.........WAY!! It is hard to believe though, 2 more months and he'll hit "hump day"!

For some reason this month also makes me a little sentimental. I'm not sure why September has such feelings for me. Maybe it has something to do with the simple fact that it marks the end of the summer and the beginning of another season and all it brings. Once September hits, before I know it we're at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The year is more than 1/2 way over....another year. Thoughts of where I was at this point last year and wondering what I'll be doing a year from now run through my head. In fact, not only has the past year flown by, "20 years has gone so fast." My thoughts often turn to the many people who have influenced my life--those who have come and gone and left footprints on my heart forever and helped to make me who I am today.

I imagine that has something to do with it as well...I still feel like I should be young again--my heart, my spirit, even my head still feels young. Not that I'm old, But....

"Summer has come and passed....."

Mood eyes...

My eyes are an interesting color. On my driver's license I've stated them as blue, because they pretty much are, but I think they really are more hazel---it's hard to tell. Mostly blue, with a rim of green-ish blue around the edge and little specks of brown interspersed in the blue. Lately the whites of my eyes have had lots of red lines as well, which interestingly enough, make the blue appear even more intense. My eyes are not unlike many that change hue and intensity based on what I'm wearing, but I'm not entirely sure they don't change with my mood as well.
There are obvious things like being tired or sick where your eyes feel droopy and listless, but that's not exactly what I mean. I mean, the actual iris color changing with my mood--it's hard to describe, and I don't usually notice it myself; generally someone will make an interesting comment.
"Wow, your eyes look SO blue today."
"What color are your eyes? I can't really tell."
"Are you ok? Your eyes look kind of dark/almost brown, I thought you had blue eyes."
"Your eyes are really grey...I don't know many people with grey eyes."
Luckily nobody has ever commented that they look black or red or I would know I'm really in trouble.....

I've been paying attention to the eyes of others lately as well. I like to read what is being said there without any words being exchanged. I love it when I can look into the eyes of someone I know really well and know exactly what they are thinking and when a look exchanged can almost equal an entire conversation.
They say that our eyes are the window to our soul and I guess that's pretty true.

I was thinking about how mood rings were so popular when I was in Jr. High and I've seen them make a small comeback. (Doesn't everything, eventually??)
Comments like these have made me a little more aware of my eyes and it's been interesting to make some observations.of my own...I'm not entirely sure my eyes aren't "mood eyes". I'm finding that I'm much easier to read than those silly rings, in fact, there are times this makes me feel downright vulnerable---can't really leave my eyes home on the dresser....

Follow -up.....

PS. A little post script to my last entry....I should have had a little more faith in my hubby. It appears that Question #1 was completely unnecessary, in fact, I'm glad I was here to witness what happened. He was super patient and used this "hole in the wall" incident as a teaching moment. I was impressed and felt a little badly that I didn't give him enough credit. It's a good thing too, because he calmed me down and helped me remember that a hole in the wall= nothing compared to our kids. I'm sure we'll even laugh about it someday!

So here I am--giving credit where credit is due. Question #2, however.......still remains to be answered and I'm not holding my breath.....but I am trying hard to laugh.

September 1st
Teeter totter....

First of all, Health insurance! Today marks our first full day of coverage-not only medical, but dental, vision, a little life insurance...the whole enchilada...like "real" people! It's been a long time coming and for the first time in a long time our premiums are not out of control. We have all been really healthy, which is always good, but our premiums ALWAYS exceeded our needs, which has just turned out to be really expensive all the way around.
It turns out that this insurance timing is really great news for Quinn. My mild-mannered boy who very rarely gets upset, managed to get a little worked up and kicked a hole in the wall. Couldn't pick ANY wall down in the unfinished basement...oh no. Had to choose the wall in the entry way. The beautiful faux finished wall that is going to involve not only new sheet rock, but re-doing the wood work and somehow re-painting and matching the faux. Luckily, we did it all ourselves originally, but still. This brings two questions immediately to my mind. 1-Where can I be so that I'm not home when Brian walks in and notices the damage? (I'm kidding--Brian won't hurt him, but he may get mad enough that Quinn would rather he did.) Question #2- Gotta wonder just how long it's going to take us to get to this major project when neither one of us are home at the same time any more?

Time for another "up and down"...
I LOVE the fall and there is enough of a hint of it in the air lately, that it makes me almost giddy! I love the warm days and the cool evenings, I love harvesting the garden, canning the homemade salsa and putting the yard "to bed" for the winter. I absolutely LOVE the changing of the leaves, the rain storms before they turn to snow, Halloween, Thanksgiving...all of it!
It makes me excited for the upcoming changes that this season brings. The bad side of this? Again...WHEN am I going to can the salsa and tomatoes? And I wonder if my neighbors will mind if I'm "putting the yard to bed" at 3:00 am? (which I think is when I'm going to manage to find the extra time.)

Today was my first day away from the Young Women Resource Room--I've been released. It's been a wonderful 3 1/2 years, but I'm super sad about it! It's been a wonderful experience and a choice time to serve with the General YW Presidency and Board and the other Service Missionaries that I have come to love dearly. Today as I worked the job that I enjoy and I'm thankful to have, my thoughts still turned to my time there and the void I felt not putting on my dress, pinning on my missionary tag and driving to Salt Lake.

For now, I'm going to focus on the things I love about this upcoming season and maybe I'll see if therapy is covered under my insurance--pretty sure I could use a little of that. Probably the sooner the better....