So...what to choose???

SO many choices for my New Year's resolutions....SO many areas in which I fall short.  Sometimes it's a hard line to try to be better without being too hard on myself.  I tend to get a little over zealous when it comes to these resolutions because I know the real me and want to be better. It's not unusual for me to have a long list that I want to check off from day to day and month to month. 

So, this year I'm going to try something a little different. I've found a few quotes that I'm printing up and keeping close to me as I face whatever 2011 has in store.

 "If what you believe doesn't affect how you live, then it's not that important."
#1-Simply put: I know what I believe and I'm going to be better at acting upon that.

“Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started.”
#2-I have some lofty running/fitness goals for myself this year. I'm going to remember that I started as a girl who has NEVER run and gonna see how far I can get. I can't wait to see how far I get!!

"I See You"
 #3-This quote is FULL of meaning for me, but let's just say that I'll try to do better at looking at people and trying to understand them better and leave it at that for now.

"Every day may not be good, but there's some good in every day."
#4-Find it. Every day.

SO....

"To be or not to be?' That is not the question. What is the question? The question is not one of being, but of becoming. 'To become more or not to become more' This is the question faced by each intelligence in our universe." — Truman G. Madsen

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011!!!

10 weeks......

In conjunction with my new running goals, I'm starting a 10 week no sugar/no carb challenge...starting right   this   minute,  November 23, 2010 4:47 pm--which puts me to Feb 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm, to be exact. I know I can do it, but do I WANT to do it enough to do it??  Dang it!  Two days before Thanksgiving??  How do I get myself talked into such things??

They (whoever the elusive "they" are), say that the best way to commit yourself to a goal is to tell people...so here you go.  I'm telling people.  Actually, at the moment I'm kind of whining about it, but either way, it's out there. 

Ready, set, go! 

"No thanks, I don't run."

I'm starting the "Couch to 5K" program on Monday.  A dear friend from my past and I are going to run a race in February, just a few days before we both turn 47.  Yep!    Me...the girl who doesn't run.....

I'm a little nervous for some strange reason.  I realize that 5K is only a little over 3 miles...no biggie for most people, but remember...I...don't....run.  This is a HUGE stretch for me, and a spontaneous decision.  One day Debi mentioned it to me, the next day I shocked us both by registering.  Done. Commited. One click and a short conversation via email, and I'm off to do something totally new. 

If you are one of the many friends or family members who have mentioned a 5K, 10K or any other number of K's to me before, don't give up on me, I just may take you up on it yet!  I guess it's all about timing. I mean, really, why would I want to run my first race at 37 or even 27, when I can do it at 47?  Somehow that makes sense, right?!?

If all goes well, I'm doing a 10K with Quinn in May, just a day before he turns 15, which means we'll rename that race, "The tortoise and the hare race" because he DOES run and he'll probably run it back and forth at least 3 times in the amount of time it takes for me to finish. But I WILL finish...because....well, I just will!

So, if there's a race around your birthday, let me know and I'll do it with you....but be warned, I'm with the tortoise on this one....slow and steady wins the race.....or at least finishes. 
2011 is the year of the Rabbit.  Apparently that holds some kind of significance to this middle aged tortoise over here, and apparently, I can be talked into almost anything.

F.E.A.R.

I recently had a friend share this awesome acronym with me and it came at a really great time!

False

Expectations

Appearing

Real

I'm trying to remember that I can't worry about the possibilities of something happening....nothing is "real" until it happens. So what is it then?? R.E.A.R.?

Yep, that's what I was thinking....

Open Book

Yep, so I'm pretty easy to read. And when I'm not, I tell all anyway. I know that I probably share WAAYY too much, but on the other hand, because I do, I get the support I need.
Friends are my therapy and fortunately I've been blessed with many friends, because apparently I need a lot of therapy!!

Lots of calls and emails from people I would expect to hear from and even some surprises. Diet coke runs, treats, walks, hugs, phone calls, advice, lunches.....just those things that I need to get through a rough spot.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring...it's anybody's guess, but today I'm feeling a glimmer of hope because of wonderful people whom I love dearly. I'm hoping the winds of change are shifting. Here's to hoping they are good winds and not "pummel you to the ground" kinds of winds, 'cause I want to start a new chapter, but the pages can't get ripped out of the book.

Tough stuff...

...is just plain tough. And please, if you love me at all, or even like me just a little bit, PLEASE don't share that famous saying with me: "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." I think I hate that saying and the next person who shares it with me is going to get slugged in the arm....hard. Or, they are going to witness some tears, the likes of which aren't often seen coming from me. Either way, it's not going to be pretty.

Just sayin'..."

it's been a "horrible, no good, very bad day"--I think I just might move to Australia.

What a pill.....

Yes, me...and I'm working on it. Truly I am.

I don't think there are many people who would categorize me as rebellious, but I do have a bit of a stubborn streak. Like most character traits, there are positive and negative ways to channel every aspect of our personalities.
One "pro" is that if I want to do something for someone, I will move heaven and earth to make it happen for them. There are few things in this life that make me happier than serving someone, especially if I know it will make some type of difference in their life. One of my dreams is to be able to do something really fabulous for someone anonymously. I've had some really wonderful acts of service done in my behalf and for my family and I want with all my heart to really make a difference for someone. In the meantime, I try to do those things that fall within my current realm....little things mostly, and I'm the first to admit that sometimes little things mean just as much as big things because I am very often the recipient of meaningful small things. Acts of kindness are life's simple pleasures and I thrive off of it. To be perfectly honest, I know I don't do enough which is probably why I fall into this other pitfall.

Sometimes I'm like the "Little girl who had a little curl"....when I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad....well...let's just say, my stubborn side can be quite negative.
I don't know exactly why this happens. My latest theory is that I take things for some time the way they are-- you know, try to be patient and all that. And then, one day, out of the blue, something will happen that quite simply pushes me over the edge. It can be anything, really. A rude or inconsiderate comment, an expectation not being met, someone telling me that I should or shouldn't do something.....and "wham!"...suddenly I dig in my heels.

This past week, someone "strongly suggested" that I make a few changes.....wrong thing to say when I'm feeling the way I'm currently feeling. What's funny is that these are things I already felt I should do, but "someone" said this at the wrong time and suddenly...
"I don' wanna..." ....So, I haven't.... Even though I know I should, and even though I know it could help me get out of this funk I'm stuck in. I know, what a stinker!

The good news is that I'm trying. One of the many things I've been meaning to do is start a "gratitude journal", but for some strange reason I've been struggling with the whole idea. I don't understand why, but I just don't do it. Instead, I'm starting small by finding one thing I love every single day. It's going to be my daily mantra for the next little while.

I'm hoping that it makes a difference in my life and in my home atmosphere, because I realize that my children often take their cues from me. And because I'm discovering more and more that the "parent curse" is real. You know the one: "I hope you have a kid just. like. you."
Gonna do my best to help these little pills of mine channel the "stubborn gene" so generously passed to them by yours truly.

Phases

The Moon

There are many things to love about the moon. The moon is very comforting to me. I love the different phases of the moon. I love to watch it change. I love that when the cycle is complete, it's not visible and then...there's a fresh new start.

I know that a full moon sometimes has some negative things associated with it. I have a friend who used to be an ER nurse and she loved working the nights of the full moon, because the injuries were always a little bizarre and the evening was "exciting." Horror films almost always include a full moon, and I'm sure there are lots of other things of which I'm not even aware. But I LOVE a full moon....I love how the night is a little more illuminated which somehow makes me feel a little safer. I love being near an ocean during a full moon; I love how the ocean reacts. I know it sounds totally cheesy, but I love how when I look at a full moon, I think about how everyone I know, ANYWHERE, can see the same thing I'm seeing. I realize that isn't just the case with a full moon, but somehow a full moon is more of a reminder of that. What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic.

If I had my choice, I would take a long walk with someone I love EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of a full moon....I know, I'm hopeless...

We have a beautiful harvest moon right now...and it IS beautiful and to me it is calming and secure. The moon is a visual to me that everything we go through passes into another phase. It won't stay the same forever and that is a very comforting thought as I look up into the night sky and contemplate the many, many things that are on my mind.

"Wake me up when September ends..."

This month is flying by...it seems like it was just July and now we're halfway through September! Hard to believe how quickly time flies sometimes! So far this month I've had some family time with my parents and extended family, made my "famous" salsa, (well, famous with the kids and Brian and let's face it, if it wasn't for them, I would probably not spend the morning 'til night that it takes to get 20 quarts.) Cameron was ordained an Elder which means a few more months and he'll be working on mission papers, that time is flying by as well.
I've spent many hours working and figuring out how to balance being gone so much. This month also marks Brian's 50th birthday this weekend, which is so hard to believe that I truly can't! The best part is that this weekend will find us all together celebrating, which is my FAVORITE part of ANY celebration! All except for Brad-- the 18th also marks Brad's 10 month mark serving in Dallas, Texas. No Way!!.........WAY!! It is hard to believe though, 2 more months and he'll hit "hump day"!

For some reason this month also makes me a little sentimental. I'm not sure why September has such feelings for me. Maybe it has something to do with the simple fact that it marks the end of the summer and the beginning of another season and all it brings. Once September hits, before I know it we're at Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. The year is more than 1/2 way over....another year. Thoughts of where I was at this point last year and wondering what I'll be doing a year from now run through my head. In fact, not only has the past year flown by, "20 years has gone so fast." My thoughts often turn to the many people who have influenced my life--those who have come and gone and left footprints on my heart forever and helped to make me who I am today.

I imagine that has something to do with it as well...I still feel like I should be young again--my heart, my spirit, even my head still feels young. Not that I'm old, But....

"Summer has come and passed....."

Mood eyes...

My eyes are an interesting color. On my driver's license I've stated them as blue, because they pretty much are, but I think they really are more hazel---it's hard to tell. Mostly blue, with a rim of green-ish blue around the edge and little specks of brown interspersed in the blue. Lately the whites of my eyes have had lots of red lines as well, which interestingly enough, make the blue appear even more intense. My eyes are not unlike many that change hue and intensity based on what I'm wearing, but I'm not entirely sure they don't change with my mood as well.
There are obvious things like being tired or sick where your eyes feel droopy and listless, but that's not exactly what I mean. I mean, the actual iris color changing with my mood--it's hard to describe, and I don't usually notice it myself; generally someone will make an interesting comment.
"Wow, your eyes look SO blue today."
"What color are your eyes? I can't really tell."
"Are you ok? Your eyes look kind of dark/almost brown, I thought you had blue eyes."
"Your eyes are really grey...I don't know many people with grey eyes."
Luckily nobody has ever commented that they look black or red or I would know I'm really in trouble.....

I've been paying attention to the eyes of others lately as well. I like to read what is being said there without any words being exchanged. I love it when I can look into the eyes of someone I know really well and know exactly what they are thinking and when a look exchanged can almost equal an entire conversation.
They say that our eyes are the window to our soul and I guess that's pretty true.

I was thinking about how mood rings were so popular when I was in Jr. High and I've seen them make a small comeback. (Doesn't everything, eventually??)
Comments like these have made me a little more aware of my eyes and it's been interesting to make some observations.of my own...I'm not entirely sure my eyes aren't "mood eyes". I'm finding that I'm much easier to read than those silly rings, in fact, there are times this makes me feel downright vulnerable---can't really leave my eyes home on the dresser....

Follow -up.....

PS. A little post script to my last entry....I should have had a little more faith in my hubby. It appears that Question #1 was completely unnecessary, in fact, I'm glad I was here to witness what happened. He was super patient and used this "hole in the wall" incident as a teaching moment. I was impressed and felt a little badly that I didn't give him enough credit. It's a good thing too, because he calmed me down and helped me remember that a hole in the wall= nothing compared to our kids. I'm sure we'll even laugh about it someday!

So here I am--giving credit where credit is due. Question #2, however.......still remains to be answered and I'm not holding my breath.....but I am trying hard to laugh.

September 1st
Teeter totter....

First of all, Health insurance! Today marks our first full day of coverage-not only medical, but dental, vision, a little life insurance...the whole enchilada...like "real" people! It's been a long time coming and for the first time in a long time our premiums are not out of control. We have all been really healthy, which is always good, but our premiums ALWAYS exceeded our needs, which has just turned out to be really expensive all the way around.
It turns out that this insurance timing is really great news for Quinn. My mild-mannered boy who very rarely gets upset, managed to get a little worked up and kicked a hole in the wall. Couldn't pick ANY wall down in the unfinished basement...oh no. Had to choose the wall in the entry way. The beautiful faux finished wall that is going to involve not only new sheet rock, but re-doing the wood work and somehow re-painting and matching the faux. Luckily, we did it all ourselves originally, but still. This brings two questions immediately to my mind. 1-Where can I be so that I'm not home when Brian walks in and notices the damage? (I'm kidding--Brian won't hurt him, but he may get mad enough that Quinn would rather he did.) Question #2- Gotta wonder just how long it's going to take us to get to this major project when neither one of us are home at the same time any more?

Time for another "up and down"...
I LOVE the fall and there is enough of a hint of it in the air lately, that it makes me almost giddy! I love the warm days and the cool evenings, I love harvesting the garden, canning the homemade salsa and putting the yard "to bed" for the winter. I absolutely LOVE the changing of the leaves, the rain storms before they turn to snow, Halloween, Thanksgiving...all of it!
It makes me excited for the upcoming changes that this season brings. The bad side of this? Again...WHEN am I going to can the salsa and tomatoes? And I wonder if my neighbors will mind if I'm "putting the yard to bed" at 3:00 am? (which I think is when I'm going to manage to find the extra time.)

Today was my first day away from the Young Women Resource Room--I've been released. It's been a wonderful 3 1/2 years, but I'm super sad about it! It's been a wonderful experience and a choice time to serve with the General YW Presidency and Board and the other Service Missionaries that I have come to love dearly. Today as I worked the job that I enjoy and I'm thankful to have, my thoughts still turned to my time there and the void I felt not putting on my dress, pinning on my missionary tag and driving to Salt Lake.

For now, I'm going to focus on the things I love about this upcoming season and maybe I'll see if therapy is covered under my insurance--pretty sure I could use a little of that. Probably the sooner the better....

Pressure cooker...

I was thinking the other day about being a little girl and helping my mom and grandma bottle green beans. I didn't mind picking the beans, or snapping them or putting them in the jars, but the pressure cooker scared me to death. Maybe it was the fear they put into me of messing with the little doo-hickey on top that lets the steam escape, maybe it was the constant reminders that I mustn't mess with the lid once it was screwed on and the importance of it being on just right. Either way, I remember giving a sigh of relief every time we managed to make it through a canning season without the pressure cooker exploding. (I don't know if pressure cookers really do explode, but that was my fear.)
Anyway, I've been a little like a pressure cooker lately. My lid has been screwed on tight and a little steam has been released at a pretty constant pace. There has been a lot of pressure building up over the past year or two and overall I've held myself together pretty well...until last week.
"Major meltdown" would be an understatement! It's been a lot of things: I've had much added responsibility added to my shoulders over the past few years and many, many big occasions. Weddings, a missionary, PTA, working, Woodbadge, Trek, Resource Room Missionary, mom responsibilities, worries for aging parents, support for a stressed husband, unemployment, callings, friends and relationships...lots of things. But as this pressure has been building, I've had this underlying fear that I'm going to explode at any minute; that every added thing in my life is like someone messing with the steam thingy and upsetting the delicate balance.
Most of these have either slowed down considerably or been eliminated from my life completely. Some of the others are here to stay, but I'm feeling a little more in control even though there's still much happening in my life and in my mind and heart.
However, I think it's finally time to breathe a little easier. I'm not going to explode and I think it may be safe to open the lid.

Today was the first day of school...still trying to figure out how to post those pictures. Actually I did manage to post them but removed them again because they needed to be rotated and I don't have time to figure it out today. I'm such a beginner blogger; I need some major help and some extra time.
Quinn is now a Freshman, and Courtney is a big 7th grader...hard to believe! Cameron has decided to work, work, work so that he can turn his mission papers in come December or it would have been a first day of College for him.
I had a little "first" of my own today as I was asked late last night by a friend to work a temp job for a few weeks. I still don't know what's going to happen employment-wise for me in the next little while, but for now, I'm trying to reorganize my life as I try doing something a little differently. I've always been home with the kids, so I'm beginning a new phase as well, no matter where the winds of work take me. I'm making lists that the kids will most likely enjoy ignoring in my absence, planning menus and clipping coupons, figuring out carpools and eliminating things from each one of our schedules. I'm like the Tazmanian devil over here, causing mahem and whipping everyone's lives into shape in the process. (I would post a picture...but, you know...)
I had a few random thoughts as I was driving to and from work today. Totally random... but it's funny to me how often they are true:
1-Why is it that which ever car I happen to be driving is the one that is out of gas?
2-Why is it that I seem to be the only one in my home who can change the toilet paper roll? (Seriously, each and every inch of paper has been scraped off the roll and it is just left sitting there...waiting for me. This happens in EVERY bathroom, btw.)
3-Why is it that if I have somewhere important to be in the morning, I can't fall asleep or stay asleep for fear of sleeping past the alarm?
4-Why is it that the one and only time the kids lock themselves out of the house is the one day I'm an hour away and can't get home to let them in?
5-How many times a week is "too many" to have spagetti for dinner?
6-Whatever would moms do without Cream of Mushroom soup?
7-How long should I leave the vacuum in the middle of the family room floor before someone (anyone) decides it should be put away? Or should it be put away? I don't know. Maybe if it's left out it looks like we are just getting ready to vacuum and that could be a good thing I guess.

Just a few ramblings that popped into my mind today....I'm not complaining really, just observing. And actually, on a good day they are kinda humorous.

Beginnings

This is my first attempt at a blog. Here's hoping I can figure it out and keep up on it. It has become apparent that I feel the need to share what is going on in my world and need some type of creative outlet. Although I would say I'm a realist in many ways, I'm also a hopeless romantic daydreamer who loves to imagine "alternative endings" to many of life's problems--my little way of escape when I need a break from reality. I'll try to keep my musings under control and if nothing else, maybe this will help me feel less guilty for the times I "forget" to journal the happenings of my life. We'll give this a whirl and see how it goes....